Mothers' Day

I guess it is probably pretty obvious that today is not exactly the happiest of days for me. I keep trying to focus on the big scheme of things, but I'm left just feeling empty. I've gotten several phone messages from the happiest of the happy wishing me well, to the "I know you're sitting there screening calls but if you need me I'm here". Couldn't say what I need today. Everyone asked me why I let Nomen come visit. Shit, I had people actually threatening to take him out if they saw him....(FYI--if you're one of my closest friends, you don't have it in you to cap somebody's ass. Know that. i love you. I think of myself as pretty hard when it comes down to it, but I am also selective in choosing you guys. If I keep you that close, I have every confidence that you will not harm another human being's life. But thanks for extending the offers guys.) Anyhow, before Nomen reads this and wonders where I am going with it, why have him here? I love him guys. I love him when he is good to me, and I love him when he is not. And it's not going anywhere. That's not to say that I will take whatever forever, but I ache without him. Same thing with my daughter. I can make it through this, but it sure smarts somethin' awful. I officially have a family of my own. Now, there isn't a fairytale ending here to say the least, but the whole mommy--daddy---baby bond is there and forever will be. I wish I could be more like alot of the single moms or birth mothers I meet. They wave a big buh-bye and never look back again. No contact with the dads, no contact with the adopted children. It's an out of sight, out of mind tactic. Can't do it guys, no matter how much anyone feels I should. So, on this Mothers' Day when no one knows what the hell to say or do, I need you to give me the gift of letting me try to find peace and happiness my way. For real, the "but didn't he's?" and "but don't you?" need to stop. People get broken, but they mend. And honestly, no matter how close you are to me and how you know the whole story and it hurt you too, I know the pain and the tears of this situation better than anyone. I haven't lost my mind. i've just tried to get by the best I can. Maybe I found some dangerous ways to cope at times, but I'm still here, rowdy and tenacious as ever. And if I stand a chance at coming to peace with this and moving on and being happy, I need that, I want that, and I deserve that. Today sucks. It will for awhile probably. Until i oneday have the family to cherish on this day, it is just a reminder. But, as of my next blog, I hope to be back up to my charming and witty self instead of this ball of sad. Hang in there guys....I am.