My heart is somewhere else..........

{"Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge," says educator Bill Bullard. "It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge . . . is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world. It requires profound, purpose‐larger‐than‐the‐self kind of understanding." In that spirit, Scorpio, I encourage you to renounce three of your opinions, preferably those that are least-well-informed and not rooted in first-hand experience. I also challenge you to carry out a week-long experiment based on the following hypothesis: Expanding your capacity for empathy will make you smarter.}-----Courtesy of Freewill Astrology

I love all of the pictures on myspace of some beautiful girl, downplaying it in caption, and waiting to lure faithful cyber suitors to validate her beauty. I do it too. The "boob-o-vision" pic, it goes up from time to time when my ego needs stroking. Shit, Sooperstar jokes that I lost my body a couple years ago when I packed on pounds and decided to veto full body shots. Now, after losing 50 lbs, they shall soon return, when I can present some flawless image of myself. But, I will not say "I know, look at how I suck in this picture." I will say, damn, I am hot. Cuz I am, and I don't have to apologive for thinking so, even if you see me as such or not. I do not have to fake humility to be cool with my cyber family, when I know damn well that we all put up the pics that have somehow captured us as exactly how we want to be viewed

The polygamy post, well, I caught some hell on that. And I knew I would. Should have seen it live in class, I almost thought mob justice was heading my way. And, oddly, I am not even saying polygamy and young marriage/family planning is right, I am merely saying how do I know it is wrong? If we watch National Geographic, and see a 14 yr. old in her tribe carrying her baby and walking bare breasted, we do not question the humanity of it all. Shoot, look at the average age of marriage around the world, am I truly so arrogant to believe that my culture is the supreme moral compass? Is it the same in some distant tribe when a 40 year old man takes a 15 year old bride and when Bob Smith leaves his job at the firm early to go to the local mall to hit on 9th graders? One is merely a way of a people, an innocent culture, and one is a perversion. It depends on what the society's culture is to navigate what is custom and what is criminal. They are not the same. Bob knows his deviance. The tribesman is merely doing what his people do. Again, in no way do I condone use of force or fear in these situations, but how is the 14 yr. old who sleeps around because she thinks it will make her popular any less brainwashed than the religious sect girl? If I give my body to boys my age in various quantities, is that more morally correct than wanting to marry and start a family at 14? To have value to what I give? And, at what age do I truly have the capabilities to make such defining and moral decisions? 18? Shoot, my girlfriends and I made them far before that, and though some of us fucked up royally, some of us chose wisely. Some of us teetered between the two. And, I know if I had to choose between having a couple of 13 year old girls I know making my decisions for me versus my 33 year old ones in such matters, not to be rude, but that choice would vary dependent on who was up against who. I have plenty of friends my age who should still not be allowed to make decisions of sex and family at their age and who are just as brainwashed as a "sect girl".

I am not one of these girls in such a sect, but I know one. We speak freely about it, and she made me open my eyes. I did not want to at first. I felt sorry for her. But, she is happy and lives a life with love. A life totally opposed to all I know and believe. More power to her. It is like that quote, "If you are happy where you are at, do not curse what got you there." I am a human rights activist. I defend rights. This does not make me the human "right". I have to study cultures to see how they work. I have to be sensitive to differences. I have to fight for making sure one's will is not imposed upon another. It also means, I cannot impose mine. In the end of this case, it could be there are horrible crimes at hand. It could be that this closed society just does things completely different than I do. And the only way I can know which it is, is to ask the people who have lived it. To know their story. I can't analyze history, read a book, or find answers anywhere else. We all have our own reality.

But, I digress. As my prof and mentor said, "Say goodbye to politics, because no one likes a cultural relativist."

So, back to the first paragraph discussion I go.

Why do we want to lie so much? Why do we wish to take the hottest digital representation of ourselves and act like that is truly how we look? I have been told lately that I am vain and jealous. Well, I have always been told that.....and uh oh, I am. I tell people these things of me, from get go. When they counter, "no, you are a sweetheart," I say, no, I am those things. It is not me fishing for telling me I am sweet or awesome, which I am (see? vain.), it is so one does not feel I misrepresented who I truly was.

I think it is interesting how individual's want to shadow who they really are, like no negatives exist. Or that a negative is always, well, negative. That fiery jealousy that will make me delete you off myspace? Same fiery jealousy that will inspire me to protect you when I see trouble heading your way. Jealousy stems from a sense of entitlement, feelings of value being placed on what is sought and up for possession. I cannot be jealous over something I do not care about. Can it make me crazy at times? Sure. But, if I were to say, "No, I am not a jealous girl," because that is a "friendlier" way to be, you would still find out. And as for the vanity, well, the same way it can come across as arrogance, it is the same thing that keeps me afloat when I am all alone and have no one to validate me. I can. I will. No one has to tell me I am cool, because I know I am. So, do not expect me to compromise that to be a lap-dog in the house of perfect cotrived emotion. I am only capable of being the success I see myself as, so I am gonna go ahead and think big and not worry about how I am judged.

Things I have been asked/told of late: "Are you inlove with me?" "Why are you so bitter?" "Grow up." and, my personal favorite, "You know you would be happy/will end up with me." I can name a few people actually, who, if they are reading this list, will think each one of those is them. Some have warrant to ask/say such things, others do not. And, I have failed miserably. I did not fake being inlove, I did not act like I was completely positive that love and happiness always prevail, I did not say "my, you seem upset, and i am hurt by what you have said/done, but tis for the best you express your will and I shall sit quietly and feign tolerance as it is my mature role," and I did not say, "you are right." Was it Maya Angelou, I think?, who said, "if somebody tells you they are crazy, best accept they are." And no, I do not add that to say I am crazy, though I very well am as mad as we all are, but I do believe that if I feel something, I will tell you. I don't humor people, just to be nice. I don't channel my desire to love to whoever will listen, when I know I am not capable of living up to the words I toss around carelessly in casual conversation, I do not speak them. Even if it hurts you. If I tell you how I am, what I want, it is my truth. You are free to hate me for it, but I cannot pose for that photo. Reality is not a framework of words, but a tapestry of experience. And good lighting can easily betray truth.

Something to ponder.