I haven't bitched in awhile so.......
Now, I will start this by saying I can be rather secretive. Oddly, I will tell anyone anything about me you want to know, but I rarely let people know such things as my address, where I live, or my residence. Yes, I am a hermit, get it? I love to go out and be the life of the party, but I will find you should I wanna hang. If I deem you cool enough, you will be invited over, but I STRESS, this is not what I am about. So, here is my new problem.
Random pretty boy moved in awhile back with his girlfriend next door. She is mean, he is HOT. But, no big deal. I have someone, he has someone....and to be honest, he isn't my type. He is slick. More slippery in fact. Moreso than a salamander. Like the other night, he brushed against me going to his car. Not a situation where it was a tight space or a minor slip, more like a gentle massage of bodies. It was creepy as his girl was 10 ft. away fussing over the neighbor's dog. Weird.
Still, this is not a big deal. I just let it go. But, now he seems to want to hang out....alot. All the time. He comes by at all hours. So, I have been doing the same slick thing that I would do if some unwanted suitor was calling; I just don't answer. Yes, I know he knows I am home, but I could care less.(And I keep wondering, is there not a hint here?) Mind you, I do not even know this dude's name. But, he has crossed the line tonight. And, this has been my test. He twisted the fucking doorknob! Uh....HELLO?!?! I realize we are on this non-first-name-basis and all, but I wasn't quite ready to exchange keys. So, now I am in a bit of a pickle. I have to call him out, or rat him out to his chick which would probably serve better, but I can't. It is like I am on slimy dude house arrest. Does he wanna chill(screw)? Rob me? Make cookies? What slimey guy? What the fuck?
This does lead to an awesome couple of stories however, that I now feel like telling. See, a few years ago, an ex of mine shows up drunk beating on my door. I look out the peephole and see he is hiding something. After a brief exchange informing him that I have no intention of opening the door, especially whilst he is concealing something behind him, we began to have a slight dispute. He inevitably shows me that he has brought a tire iron. You know, the housewarming tire iron present? I love to show up at a friends home and say, "Hey, got a surprise for ya!" and thus whip out a tire iron. Some people value the look of surprise from an unwrapped gift. I like straight up fear and awkwardness. But, i am probably in the minority. Silly me.
Knowing that he will not use it, I only become pissed at this point. Not only is he intruding, but I feel a little violated. Angry even. So, I do what any pissed-off, fiery-bitch would do, I open the door and take it from him. I also start yelling at him. I was not very kind, but I do feel that one has a right to lose proper etiquette when a tire iron is involved. Now, he would argue at this point it was because he was scared of my neighbors. It is, in fact, a valid point. After we come to an agreement that he will leave and no, he does not get his tire iron back, my neighbor comes out high and packin, and asks if I want him to shoot him. Awww, and we think acts of neighborly kindness in society are gone?! I am a little(lot) unnerved by the whole situation. Though it is always handy to know you have that neighbor ready to catch a charge for ya, it just seems a bit extravagant. I do however have a coffee mug that I borrowed from that neighbor and failed to return. Oooh......I hope he isn't pissed about that one.
Now, I will say that this ex had a bad moment. Given, a real bad moment, but we are actually quite fine now. It is almost ha ha funny. Sure, a couple of you are like, that is sick, but for anyone who has had to see a shadier side of life, you know that laughing is the best remedy, no matter how heinous.
And, this brings me to the, "Thank God for the tire iron" story. See, I realized that I had no real protection against intruders. When living in a not so friendly part of Brooklyn once, I was keyed in on the cup of bleach by the door. It was fabulous I thought. I am big and talk tough, but I lack the real oomph to actually kick some ass. (Don't tell the people I have thrown out of the bars this.) I did know I could throw bleach in someone's face though if needed. This, had been a good idea until I had gotten dogs. I then lived in fear of some crazy bleach mishap where a dog would lose an eye and I would be at fault. So, the tire iron seemed to work. (I also keep a trailer hitch for a fist pack. I will go with the Britney excuse here and just say "we're country".)
Now, for those of you who have made it this far and don't think I am a complete psycho yet, I will say, I am probably one of the friendliest, most trusting people you can meet. However, I do have a bit of a temper if it is needed. Certain situations call for certain things. That noted, I will continue in a very offensive story.
I worked as a bartender until I was 9 months pregnant. Yes. I know. Odd. But non-smoking environment--ok? (Note: never ask a girl why she is bartending at 8 1/2 months. Or why she is working in general. It was my favorite. Like I had some secret hobby and adoration for being on my feet and putting up with drunk guys for long periods of time. Means to an end people.) Anywho, when I was roughly 8 months along, my neighbor (new one) had company in town. This neighbor was very nice, very cordial in passing. Good guy. His friend seemed to be the same way. They came into the bar one Saturday night and said hello. It was very busy so be it brief, we talked for a moment and thus went on about our duties.
As I got home that night, I was eager to just get off my feet. My parents had the dogs for the night (as some of you will ask about my bodygaurd), so I had the spot to myself and could relax. Until, a knock at the door. Since it was 4:30 in the morning, I was curious, so I peeped. Low and behold, it is my neighbors friend. I assumed something must be wrong so I opened the door. Big mistake. He tells me he can't sleep and if we can talk for a few minutes. As I tell him I am planning to go to bed, he just kind of slides on in. So, we sit on the couch and talk for a few moments and I then mention sleep again. I was not scared as he was the timid guy. You know the one. Can't talk to girls, shy, but a lil alcohol gives him a boost. He is easily controlled though. He is submissive, you can smell it on him.
As he gets up to leave, he says, "I probably shouldn't say this, but......."
Now, nothing good comes of that which shouldn't be said. I had in fact made this guy many martinis for the evening, so I have watched the decline of logic and judgement, so I brace myself.
"I have been waiting for you to get home."
Great. I have been waiting for you to say you brought avocados. Mmmmm. Avocados.
"My friend has told me about your situation."
Even better. My knight in shining armor. Drunk and creepy and in my space. Yes!
"I know what you need right now...."
Here it comes. The valiant declaration of what can be done for me. Avocados.
"and I am willing to lick that pussy and you don't have to do anything......."
Stop. What? There was more talking going on at this point, but I kind of tuned out. I know this STRANGER is not coming into MY space, while I am making the miracle of life happen and being all vulgar and hitting on me.......What? This is the type of shit I expect at the bar, but it sure as hell isn't coming into MY home. I am angry. And I own a tire iron.
So, I push him out the door as I grab the tire iron. He now has that "Surprise, I brought a tire iron" face. As I begin to sternly educate him on respect, in a bit of a forte vocalization, I also let him know that the best thing for him to be "willing to do" is go back to his friend's house and pass the fuck out before I beat his ass with a tire iron.
Perhaps I am not very likely to "beat someone's ass with a tire iron", but if I were, this would have been the moment. I think he knew it as he got very submissive rather quickly. He started to tear up.
I cannot picture what it looks like to see someone that pregnant screaming and getting ready to whoop someone's ass on her porch with a tire iron, but in my mind, and in one of my neighbor's minds, it is rather funny. Again, not quite ha ha, no, kind of ha ha. And, I think he may have wet himself a (insert pun here)wee bit.
He left rather abrubtly the next day never to return. I did mention to my neighbor who had been passed out, that should he return, well, I do still own a tire iron....that may have played into his distance. I have a feeling he hits on pregnant girls a little less now.
So, what is the point? Slimey dude, I do have a tire iron. And, hopefully, I can still convey a fucked up story in a moderately entertaining fashion as most of my stories are just that. Fucked up/moderately entertaining......you be the judge. Or maybe it is just a good indication that it is time to move.
Random pretty boy moved in awhile back with his girlfriend next door. She is mean, he is HOT. But, no big deal. I have someone, he has someone....and to be honest, he isn't my type. He is slick. More slippery in fact. Moreso than a salamander. Like the other night, he brushed against me going to his car. Not a situation where it was a tight space or a minor slip, more like a gentle massage of bodies. It was creepy as his girl was 10 ft. away fussing over the neighbor's dog. Weird.
Still, this is not a big deal. I just let it go. But, now he seems to want to hang out....alot. All the time. He comes by at all hours. So, I have been doing the same slick thing that I would do if some unwanted suitor was calling; I just don't answer. Yes, I know he knows I am home, but I could care less.(And I keep wondering, is there not a hint here?) Mind you, I do not even know this dude's name. But, he has crossed the line tonight. And, this has been my test. He twisted the fucking doorknob! Uh....HELLO?!?! I realize we are on this non-first-name-basis and all, but I wasn't quite ready to exchange keys. So, now I am in a bit of a pickle. I have to call him out, or rat him out to his chick which would probably serve better, but I can't. It is like I am on slimy dude house arrest. Does he wanna chill(screw)? Rob me? Make cookies? What slimey guy? What the fuck?
This does lead to an awesome couple of stories however, that I now feel like telling. See, a few years ago, an ex of mine shows up drunk beating on my door. I look out the peephole and see he is hiding something. After a brief exchange informing him that I have no intention of opening the door, especially whilst he is concealing something behind him, we began to have a slight dispute. He inevitably shows me that he has brought a tire iron. You know, the housewarming tire iron present? I love to show up at a friends home and say, "Hey, got a surprise for ya!" and thus whip out a tire iron. Some people value the look of surprise from an unwrapped gift. I like straight up fear and awkwardness. But, i am probably in the minority. Silly me.
Knowing that he will not use it, I only become pissed at this point. Not only is he intruding, but I feel a little violated. Angry even. So, I do what any pissed-off, fiery-bitch would do, I open the door and take it from him. I also start yelling at him. I was not very kind, but I do feel that one has a right to lose proper etiquette when a tire iron is involved. Now, he would argue at this point it was because he was scared of my neighbors. It is, in fact, a valid point. After we come to an agreement that he will leave and no, he does not get his tire iron back, my neighbor comes out high and packin, and asks if I want him to shoot him. Awww, and we think acts of neighborly kindness in society are gone?! I am a little(lot) unnerved by the whole situation. Though it is always handy to know you have that neighbor ready to catch a charge for ya, it just seems a bit extravagant. I do however have a coffee mug that I borrowed from that neighbor and failed to return. Oooh......I hope he isn't pissed about that one.
Now, I will say that this ex had a bad moment. Given, a real bad moment, but we are actually quite fine now. It is almost ha ha funny. Sure, a couple of you are like, that is sick, but for anyone who has had to see a shadier side of life, you know that laughing is the best remedy, no matter how heinous.
And, this brings me to the, "Thank God for the tire iron" story. See, I realized that I had no real protection against intruders. When living in a not so friendly part of Brooklyn once, I was keyed in on the cup of bleach by the door. It was fabulous I thought. I am big and talk tough, but I lack the real oomph to actually kick some ass. (Don't tell the people I have thrown out of the bars this.) I did know I could throw bleach in someone's face though if needed. This, had been a good idea until I had gotten dogs. I then lived in fear of some crazy bleach mishap where a dog would lose an eye and I would be at fault. So, the tire iron seemed to work. (I also keep a trailer hitch for a fist pack. I will go with the Britney excuse here and just say "we're country".)
Now, for those of you who have made it this far and don't think I am a complete psycho yet, I will say, I am probably one of the friendliest, most trusting people you can meet. However, I do have a bit of a temper if it is needed. Certain situations call for certain things. That noted, I will continue in a very offensive story.
I worked as a bartender until I was 9 months pregnant. Yes. I know. Odd. But non-smoking environment--ok? (Note: never ask a girl why she is bartending at 8 1/2 months. Or why she is working in general. It was my favorite. Like I had some secret hobby and adoration for being on my feet and putting up with drunk guys for long periods of time. Means to an end people.) Anywho, when I was roughly 8 months along, my neighbor (new one) had company in town. This neighbor was very nice, very cordial in passing. Good guy. His friend seemed to be the same way. They came into the bar one Saturday night and said hello. It was very busy so be it brief, we talked for a moment and thus went on about our duties.
As I got home that night, I was eager to just get off my feet. My parents had the dogs for the night (as some of you will ask about my bodygaurd), so I had the spot to myself and could relax. Until, a knock at the door. Since it was 4:30 in the morning, I was curious, so I peeped. Low and behold, it is my neighbors friend. I assumed something must be wrong so I opened the door. Big mistake. He tells me he can't sleep and if we can talk for a few minutes. As I tell him I am planning to go to bed, he just kind of slides on in. So, we sit on the couch and talk for a few moments and I then mention sleep again. I was not scared as he was the timid guy. You know the one. Can't talk to girls, shy, but a lil alcohol gives him a boost. He is easily controlled though. He is submissive, you can smell it on him.
As he gets up to leave, he says, "I probably shouldn't say this, but......."
Now, nothing good comes of that which shouldn't be said. I had in fact made this guy many martinis for the evening, so I have watched the decline of logic and judgement, so I brace myself.
"I have been waiting for you to get home."
Great. I have been waiting for you to say you brought avocados. Mmmmm. Avocados.
"My friend has told me about your situation."
Even better. My knight in shining armor. Drunk and creepy and in my space. Yes!
"I know what you need right now...."
Here it comes. The valiant declaration of what can be done for me. Avocados.
"and I am willing to lick that pussy and you don't have to do anything......."
Stop. What? There was more talking going on at this point, but I kind of tuned out. I know this STRANGER is not coming into MY space, while I am making the miracle of life happen and being all vulgar and hitting on me.......What? This is the type of shit I expect at the bar, but it sure as hell isn't coming into MY home. I am angry. And I own a tire iron.
So, I push him out the door as I grab the tire iron. He now has that "Surprise, I brought a tire iron" face. As I begin to sternly educate him on respect, in a bit of a forte vocalization, I also let him know that the best thing for him to be "willing to do" is go back to his friend's house and pass the fuck out before I beat his ass with a tire iron.
Perhaps I am not very likely to "beat someone's ass with a tire iron", but if I were, this would have been the moment. I think he knew it as he got very submissive rather quickly. He started to tear up.
I cannot picture what it looks like to see someone that pregnant screaming and getting ready to whoop someone's ass on her porch with a tire iron, but in my mind, and in one of my neighbor's minds, it is rather funny. Again, not quite ha ha, no, kind of ha ha. And, I think he may have wet himself a (insert pun here)wee bit.
He left rather abrubtly the next day never to return. I did mention to my neighbor who had been passed out, that should he return, well, I do still own a tire iron....that may have played into his distance. I have a feeling he hits on pregnant girls a little less now.
So, what is the point? Slimey dude, I do have a tire iron. And, hopefully, I can still convey a fucked up story in a moderately entertaining fashion as most of my stories are just that. Fucked up/moderately entertaining......you be the judge. Or maybe it is just a good indication that it is time to move.
posted by Dejenerate @ 12:42 AM
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