Cold Feet

When I was younger, if I got high or the wind blew too hard, I seemed to end up in another city. I drifted for a few years and never so much as blinked at the thought that I couldn't handle what would lie on the other end of a move. People say i was brave, but those who knew me know that in my case, there is a thin line between guts and stupidity. Now I find that even as I lay out my "Next Bold Move" with a great deal of planning, I am more nervous and anxiety ridden than ever. I get nauseous with worry. Luckily, my experiences in NY have all pretty much sucked. (Ok, a couple rocked.........but c'mon. Those were flukes) as far as really trying to exist there, That city has always kicked my ass. But, after just visiting a friend's page, i realize that maybe this is a good thing. She had all these great pictures from every tourist site and expensive restaurant. Good times. But.....I have the knowledge that this city will certainly throw punches.......and possibly high kicks.....and some ninja stars......and a toaster. I am ready to step into a ring rather than hop on a ferris wheel at this point when it comes to her. But for everyone who keeps asking why....is it Nomen? Is it NYU? Is it......? Go to the Moby.com link. I see that and I become entranced. It sums it up. I always felt so out of place everywhere. I look at that view and that skyline and I just feel like the mother ship has come to retrieve me. I never thought I would be this close to going home.

Ouch

I got my first scarification tattoo today and that shit hurts. Luckily, I was on the river all day with Ram, so I was properly numbed, but wow. I do not offer that anyone who is not into some serious ouch factor pursue this one. It is beautiful though and it was all for you.

Lighter Note......Kind of......

If you have never linked to TAN's blog, ya just gotta. The "How do you like your racism?" one is awesome. Very on point. And awesome that no one seems to quit paying out the ass for the games and equipment that such companies market. Oh Burger King and Sony, you guys take the world backwards one step at a time.

It's all for you angel

Today is my daughter's first birthday. Though I cannot be with her or give her the moon and stars I wish I could lasso for her, I decided to write this. I want her to someday read it, and I want you all to know the truth of this. So here goes.
Sweetheart, I am here with you. I have been since the day I placed you in your adoptive mother's arms. There is not a day that goes by that you do not cross my mind at least a good twenty times. And I ache from missing you. But, I know you are so very safe and loved and that you have what I could not have given you. Yes, I doubt anyone on this earth will ever love you more than I do, but you have a future now. You have a family. I wanted that traditional mommy and daddy life for you. I wanted a mommy who could be at home to wipe every tear from those precious little eyes and share every smile. We wouldn't have had that. I could have supported you financially, or been the attentive mother at home with you, but we would not have had both. You deserve both. I didn't give you up though, I just put you someplace for safe keeping until we meet again.
You are strong. I knew that from the first kicks I felt while pregnant. Shoot, I knew that when I found out someone had defeated the laws of modern medicine and birth control and decided to come to this world. How could I not respect something so set on existing? You were my little fighter from day one. Now, for every thank you I give to all of those that help me in missing you or getting through school, I need to thank the one who changed me. None of this would have happened without you. I wouldn't be back in school, I wouldn't be trying to better myself. This is all for you. If someday you should look at me and ask why, I want you to see what I pursued so adamently and realize that whatever the woman I become is, you are literally the seed that was planted in me that made me realize all things are possible. I dreamed of giving you the best life possible, and that didn't stop when I signed some papers. Every step I take, every fear I overcome, knowing you exist gives me the momentum to keep going and conquer the world.
That love I have for you is the most pure raw emotion that can ever be experienced. It will always be there. When you/if you decide that I am someone you want in your life, I will be there. I sense the connection to you as we are separated on this planet and I hope you can feel it too. You are and forever will be the most precious thing I have ever possessed, even if our time was limited.
I hope that life is good to you. I hope that though I know you will experience hardships inevitably, that the curveballs thrown your way are gentle. And, should anyone ever hurt you, let me know and I will rip their heart out through their throat. That's just the Mamma Bear syndrome, and it will forever be there. I hope you feel loved by many people everyday of your life, because you are. So happy birthday, princess. I wish I could be with you, but in a way I am. Smear the cake everywhere and have that general look of happiness and confusion that a good first birthday seems to leave on the face of those celebrating it. I have your birthday card, but I am saving it. I picked it out last September at a little ghetto corner store because it just was perfect. It reads, "How perfect the world became when it was blessed with you." It is the truth. I miss you and I love you. Keep on being perfect. You always will be in my eyes.
How far is near?
How near is far?
If we look up,
We see the same stars.
P.S. Your first word is my dog's name. That is my sign that you somehow know I am out here with you. It made me cry. We got a special thing kiddo. No one can break that bond.....ever.

The verdict is in

Grades are in guys! Now, this summer was supposed to be a chance to meet my nemesis again in taking Ethics of Social, Political, and Medical Relevance and I'd grab a cake course to up the GPA. And then I walked into my Government (American Policies) course. Whoever decided to rate this as a breezy class, well the teacher read his rating on ratemyprofessor.com. Goody. In five weeks I have done more research and writing than in any full year of class in my life. Two power point presentations, 2 17 page papers, 2 5 page papers, 2 20 minute oral presentations, 3 5 page case analyses, 4 tests, 3 quizzes, and 1 watched Al Gore movie and summary for extra credit later, I can breathe. Even as a former crack head, two weeks back I had 11 hours of sleep M-Sat, and 14 the following, which I thought might kill me alone. But......drum roll please.....I got a B in Ethics and an A in Govt. I have never worked so hard for grades in my life. For all those people who helped me out this Summer of Hell, thank you. My girls saved my ass. And for the nights that everyone left me alone in the corner at the bar so I could type and manage to stay awake due to the swirling sounds of my surroundings, we did it. Yes, I will now be dancing with you guys on Wednesdays and Thursdays instead of typing. I can drink even! We did it!!! D-port, it's on! I've missed the good times, so now, let 'em roll baby! And again, thanks to everyone who has kept me strong and focused this year. Without the love and support(due to the new Victoria's Secret surprise to replace my safety pin style, support is even downright literal), I would have curled up and died. Y'all are my family. I love you so very much.

River Dance

Well, it finally happened. I actually made it to the river for our big Summer kick-off party. We rallied the troops at the bar on Saturday and we even managed to get up on Sunday morning after going to bed at 6am. Thank God for Ram and Lisa, our little early risers got the crew up by 9am. And, after years of being to busy or indisposed as I was last summer, I had a day of straight smiling and laughing while floating in an innertube with a bag of wine as my buddy. Yeah. I was very Britney Spears. Lots of bruises on my legs, beef jerky, and a bag of wine. (FYI-the new trailer trash/white trash will be simply referred to as Britney. Sums it all up while adding a touch of superstar class that only Brit can bring to the table.)
It was amazing. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. I can't remember smiling for a straight 12 hours at all. Highlight, being stopped by cops to be carded. (I guess when 9 people need 3 coolers of beer and wine to make it on a two hour trip, it raises a red flag.) Low Point, well my little Costa Rican Princess, who I love dearly, threw up in my car on the way home. Luckily, that is how much I love her. Sweetie, you can forever vomit in my car and I will still think the world of you. You are that cool. It was awesome to watch her though. She went from fear and almost breaking my hand as we went down the chutes initially, to standing on her tube balancing while giggling like a little girl. She said that it was her first "Costa Rica" experience in the 3 years of being here. I think that means we finally got her out of the city and she was in a group of friends that were totally chill. I love seein that chick smile.
It was the group that I would hand select to go with too. Not the whole group together with one or two I don't care for. It was my favorites. It made me realize how much I am going to miss these guys when I move this coming year. It was my first "Wyoming" experience in a long time. I can't wait to go again, and I am officially inlove with every single person who went. (Ram, you are the best)
So, I am off to develop a roll of film that I only remember six pictures being taken from. This should be entertaining. Ah, the Summer of fun has begun. No more strugglin. I quit. I resign to just kick back and enjoy my friends for the next 2 months. No school, no drama, just smiles. This is gonna be fun.

The New Song

Ok, so I have alot to blog about now. In the next few days I have to address a variety of topics: one of the most entertaining arrests I have ever witnessed(two total ho-bags decided to drunkenly seduce and then fight the power in front of the bar, it was awesome!), summer school, and some other stuff that's just weighing on me, but alas, gotta work and I have a feeling it is another TABC battle getting ready to hit.
But first, I'll admit it. I was typing a paper last weekend over at the parents' house and secretly watching "Big Momma's House 2". Yes, I know. My mother loves all the Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence, Ice Cube family productions and we have watched them all. I even saw a few in the theater. And, I too have an addiction to them now. (Don't tell anybody) But as "Big Momma" starts to clean the house and realize that "she" cares for the family and needs to get in with them(touching) this song caught my ear. I started rocking back and forth as I typed. Loved it. Loved it so much that I secretly went online to find out what it was. Unfortunately, there is no soundtrack for BMH 2. (Hey, there's a market, just a small one) So, I had to hit a chatboard to which I found a few others had heard this song posted questions concerning who it was. Yeah, now I had officially crossed over to a level of dorkdom that I had to face. I don't care though, because thanks to my fellow man, I now know the song and ran out into cyberspace to make that purchase.
So, without further ado, the song of the hour is "(My life be like) Ooh Aah" by Grits and feat. TobyMac. It is my anthem right now. And it gets better. It is Christian Hip-Hop. (Yes jesi, I know the jokes are already formulating in that head of yours.) But this song, it is true bliss. If you aren't down with Jesus, replace it it with whatever keeps you chuggin' along when the going gets rough. But I wish I could surgically implant this song into my brain and hit repeat. It is phenominal. That's right. My name is Dejenerate and I like family movies and apparently Christian Hip-Hop. No shame baby. I need some yin to my yang.