Compromising what I feel......

This blog is my diary. Sometimes it is funny. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes it is angry. And, it will continue to be all of these things. I don't write it to get back at people, I write it to stay sane. So, if you are one of the people that I trust enough to give this address to, respect that I have a million little secrets for you all, but that is not what I post. I post how I feel and I tell my version of the story. It is the one place that my voice doesn't get lost in a crowd or silenced. Show a little respect, just as I do for you. Don't be high school.

D.R.

The sun is hot on my face and makes each breath seem heavier than the one before,
like the heightened sensations as I waited outside of her door.
I do not have the energy to do this today.
Maybe it would have been better to just fade away.
Each step. Each breath. Is riddled with dissonance of sight and sound........
and I can't keep up with Stu.
Somewhere. Sometime. I fell so far behind you.
And every child. And every womb. Is assauting me with that faint glimpse
of you. you. you.
Rocks keep slipping beneath each well thought out step,
I forgot to take those breaths,
And I can't climb that fast.
I stumbled and tumbled down into my past
fuck stuck, I am submerged.
Fighting the urge............
Should I just sit down and cry?
Footsteps behind
Footsteps ahead
a fragile version
of that unsaid.
I just can't keep up today.
Do I leave? Do I love? Do I fuck? Do I dream?
Do I cry? Do I wilt? Do I kick? Do I scream?
Do I fight? Do I fold? Do I smile? Do I crawl?
If I did.........
would you stop and look back at all?
so I keep going, robotic, on my own long walk.........hearing the gunshots all around.
And I plead it will not be me to hit the ground.
Then I notice I am still taking each step.

I am not meant for optimum health..........

I decided to quit smoking a while back, and since I have been out of smokey bars and clubs, I thought, "why not do it now?" a few days ago. I also thought I would do my body a favor, and detox it. A lil seaweed, some pommegranite, no soda, no liquor........the works. Funny thing, i have always said some people are cut out for that which is hardcore. For instance, look at athletes who do an enhancement drug a couple times and keel over on the field. I maintain, the body is a well oiled machine, no matter what. My car runs on gasoline, and I know that I can go fill the tank with koolaid, but the results will not be good. Those athletes have trained to premium health, so throwing in that which is foriegn is crazy. How does this apply to me? Well, I could snort an eightball, drink a half bottle of Jager, and smoke a pack of cigarettes and still go on my morning walk, but apparently, my body is rejecting that which is good for me. I am sick. My lungs feel as though they are crystalizing, my skin is pale and breaking out, my body is achy, and my pee smells very weird and is an odd color. (Yes, that is too much information.) So, I asked my doctor what was wrong and apparently this is just part of switching from my Garbage Pale Kid lifestyle to a healthier one. Lovely. I guess I was naive. I thought if I ran so well so full of crappy toxins, healthy me might harness the power to possibly fly, but not yet. For now, I just cough up tar.

I am not sure what I went looking for last night........

but I do know what I found. Feeling much better today.

"I just wanna give a shout out to..."

"Jesi with one s Jesi", you are the coolest person I know, as I have said, and now you are in the same age group. Yes! May Jesus bless this day and year for you.

I took a shower!

For those of you who have been following my post-canned progress, there is good news. I have showered! I could no longer tell if it was me or the dogs that smelled funky and "Dharma and Greg" reruns were beginning to provide spiritual solace. So, I am off to the internship. Self Pity Week is over, but we had fun right? And now, I am going to see if Congressmen really do mind pink hair or if that is just what those crazy grown ups tell us to scare us into not dying it. So, I am out. (PS--I did get an extension for the paper) I am full on Taco Bell and way too much computer and TV time, so now I am ready to reclaim my spot in the land of the living.

Let's just call it a "Mental Health" day.......

Maybe I should start with the timeline of yesterday. 1.) talk to father who just had to have blood transfusions in Dallas because he quit making red blood cells for a few days post-op 2.) get fired for BULLSHIT 3.) get 85 calls all tryin to cheer me up in some lame Dr. Phil manner or tell me i am bitchy 4.) have my clothes stolen out of dryer in laundry room (wear my Pixies hoodie outside tough guy. c'mon. I dare you. See what happens. Ever had almost six feet of crazy white girl whose favorite sweatshirt you are wearing come flying at you? I will take it back and put your severed head on the laundry room bulletin board as a warning to other dickwads. Dickwad.) 5.) have Jesi on the phone as I fuck with my broken window and in turn, roll my finger up in the window and smash it. I said at that point, "This hurts so bad I could cry", as I pryed my finger back out. I followed that with........crying. (Hey, ex-boss, here's a note for ya. See, #5 could be said to be "the straw that broke the camel's back." Notice how that is used. There were a series of events that led to the end breakdown. Saying that you fired me because of Friday --not my fault dude. Talk to Oakenfold[he thinks] if ya want an antagonist. He is a shit DJ anyhow. Check the numbers if ya want proof.-----and it was "the straw that broke the camel's back" when you have not said anything but good stuff for 6 months, is misusage.)

So, that was the fabulous Wednesday. Yes, drinking ensued. And today, I pleaded for an extension on my paper and skipped school and have been drunk in my apartment for 18 hours. I have reassigned my internship hours and taken today to...........get to a place where I don't feel like punching anyone in the face. Don't get me wrong, I am quite positive about where I am heading, but I can have one day of FTW, right? Even fairy princesses need a break. So, today:

1.) I slept in. Windows open, dogs and cat curled up with me. It was warm and cozy and sunny.

2.)I listened to Westside Connection and realized how much me and the boys have in common. I may not "make more deliveries than the postman", but I do like calling people bitch or a punk ass right now.

3.) I read the internet. Yep, the whole thing.(Beat you Jesi!) And I met cool people on MySpace, which I had given up on. No, the guys who want to know me and my vagina were still there, but I actually balanced normal conversation with invitations to fuck. (Does that really work? Are guys seriously getting laid off MySpace? It is kinda like the "guys in the van" porn. I find it hard to believe that girls do three guys in a van for a couple hundred bucks straight off the street. But, I could be wrong. I don't have sex, so how would I know?)

4.) I dug out my giant box of writing and blew the dust off.

5.) I made muffins.

6.) I told my Lit teacher I couldn't finish my paper due to emotional imbalance.

7.)I made up a dance to Tracy Ullman's "They Don't Know About Us" and sang along. (Don't tell my West Coast Crew, don't wanna lose street cred.)

8.) And, I drank. Lots of vodka. Vodka, it's what's for dinner.

My Champagne Revelations

So, I am doing what anyone does when they get the boot.......have a few drinks. Two things are working in my favor; 1.) I have a ton of liquor at home and just cracked open my favorite champagne(No Jesi, not the Crys. Luckily, if you are rarely exposed to the good stuff, you develop the palette for the cheap. Ex: Ol' E. It tastes like corn people. Burnt corn. But drunk on five bucks?..........Priceless.) 2.) When ya get fired from a bar, the last place you feel like headin to is a bar. So, drunk Jenny, relieved wallet.
But as I sit here tonight and ponder the last week, I realized how fucking unhappy I have been for awhile. I am not content in this city, in my prior job, in aspects of my relationship, and just in fucking general. I miss my freedom. I miss creating. I have been writing incessantly remembering what it is that I love to do. I even got out the keyboard and guitar. So, I am taking this opportunity to go back to my old self. Maybe it took a raw deal to get here, but I am not one of those curl up and cry chicks. And I believe that we are redirected to where we need to be if we start to stray. So, yes, the move is still gonna happen. And I am going back to creative Jenny, because maybe, just maybe, I have been so hard core with everyone because I was pretending that a part of me had died which is truly the core element to how I thrive.

for a bunch of people right now.

MY LOYALTY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UNDYING,
WHETHER TRIED OR TRUE
THE EXPECTATION THAT I AM THERE FOR YOU.
SO I WASN'T.
I LOOKED INTO THE LIGHTS AND TOOK MY OWN FLIGHT,
TO TRY OWNING MYSELF FOR A DAY.
MAYBE A GLASS OF CRYS OR A BOTTLE OF THIRTY THREE,
MADE ME REALIZE I AM ONLY LOYAL TO ME.
AND NOW THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE.
BUT THIS WAS ALWAYS ME.
I CAN'T GIVE TIL MY FACE TURNS BLUE WAITIN FOR SOME SUBTLE APPROVAL FROM YOU.
IT WAS HUMAN, WHAT US HUMANS DO.
SORRY IF I AM HUMAN TOO.
THIS IS ME, AND YOU ALWAYS KNEW.

The best part.......

of getting fired is to find out from the regulars at work. And to have swirling stories that nowhere resemble actual conversations or events as the rumored reason for your dismissal. The businesslike handling of this is what brings the warmth to my heart. Merry Christmas, Happy new Year, and my ass hurts. And perhaps.......just perhaps, when you are standing face to face with the person you are firing, you should have a reason. Not something you drunkenly agreed to and changed your mind about days later. A reason. They are fun, and let's face it, they are just plain professional. Save a guy $50,000.00, you are invaluable. And for everyone who wants to know, the song list was approved. Not my fault if people drop the ball. We all have our loyalties. Know who has your back, and who holds the knife. Kisses.